Melancholyism and Old Dead Guys


We are right smack in the middle of winter here in the Pacific Northwest. Long drawn out nights have sucked me into a never ending melancholy spirit. I feel restless. I know I am not depressed....but there is something about too much darkness that just puts a damper on my mood. I've learned that darkness and I are not friends. Never will be. I don't care how much Vitamin D supplementation I consume.

My husband has taken on a second job to help pay for the renovations on our house. It's only one night a week but when he works long hours already, one extra night a week of having him away from our house, accessibly interacting with me and the kids....well its a treasure we love and need...but we don't have that right now.

With renovations going on, there are messes. Not easy to clean messes that I can, much to the dismay of my kids, order them to clean up. Yeah...I'm that kind of mom.




The overwhelming messes I am talking about include tools, ladders, sheet rock leaning against walls, boxes of tile strewn sporadically around the house, drills, tape measures, paint brushes, etc. It drives me crazy. 




Lest I forget...homeschool books galore spread across tables. We normally try to occupy only one table - our homeschool table. It sits downstairs in our walk out basement where we have designated our homeschool area to be. Normally I don't have issues with our schooling area.....but in the winter, unless a fire is going on in the wood stove that sits in the center of our basement floor, it feels like a cold dungeon. There are plenty of windows and light that floods into our second floor, but for some reason, when there is little to no glorious sunshine pouring in, it just feels....well sad. 

Sad and cold. 

So, I trudge all of my son's book's upstairs and we do his school work on our dining room table, where I can open blinds and let in the tiny remnant of subdued sunshine that might occasionally happen to peek out from a sky teeming with gray.  My daughter, who is a creature of habit, and has way more books as a high schooler, refuses to come upstairs and do school with us.




So....here we are. Enduring. 

That's what life feels like right now. 

Enduring....and mourning.

Mourning. Yes...I said it....though I am not yet ready to share what it is that we are mourning.....however, I just needed to write that word because that's our truth.

I know things will not go on like this forever. 

I will be starting a few classes this semester and I love learning. I love the structure of learning. 

Not just any ol' learning will do. 

This kind of learning is my most favorite kind. The kind of learning that costs money, unfortunately, but inevitably worth the cost. (or so I've been told)  

One of the 4 classes I am taking is a marriage and family counseling class and I am thrilled to discover that I have to read extra books, on top of my textbooks. The titles of the extra books excite me. I might even go ahead and read a few of them before classes start next week....you know...to stay ahead of the game. The instructor gave us a list to skim over to see if there are any books we would like to write papers on. I picked and bought two. Did I say I am excited?



I know once my mind becomes consumed with the business of academics, my spirits will lift. 
I pray it does. It usually helps.

I have so much I want to write about, but not the motivation to get anything "on paper". For some reason, ideas, thoughts, phrases, aha-moments, seem to come to me when I am in the shower, and no pencil or paper in close proximity to write any of it down. Once the shower ends, my ideas and thoughts swirl around at my feet and go down the drain with the gray water. Sigh!

One tiny silver lining is.....

I am currently consuming/listening to these two works on Audible. 
1)  Jonathan Edwards, Religious Affections: How Man's Will Affects His Character Before God 



2) John Calvin's Institutes of the Christian Religion. 



I have to say, I am in awe of their deep understanding and wisdom. The word "awe" here, at best, is mediocre to describe my thoughts when I am listening. Oftentimes one might find me throwing my hands up in the air, as one does to signify an exaggerated touchdown, or thrusting an "in your face" finger at my phone whenever I hear things that resonate with my own thoughts.

Good thing no one is around to see that as I am usually in my sewing room, alone, listening. 

I will definitely have to buy these books in hardcover format so that I can underline the heck out of many of the pages.

Where have these old dead guys been on all my life and how in the world are they able to read my heart and mind from centuries ago? 

AWE.....I tell ya!